


to love foolishly

by HarperRose (Harper_Rose)



Series: Mutually Assured Destruction [3]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Neal comes back to NYC, Neal is a little emotional over Keller, Post-Series, also baby Neal, and is staying with the Burkes, being dead, keller is dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 11:15:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6151894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harper_Rose/pseuds/HarperRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>post-series (spoiler alert!)</p><p>Neal and Peter have a talk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to love foolishly

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know. I post a pre-series and then a post-series. I promise I will get to the actual series. Also, I will get to Keller actually being IN a story too. Promise. They're coming.

Dinner was good. Elle had prepared chicken cordon bleu, bringing out chocolate cake the second dinner was finished with. They ate with a nice Bordeaux that Neal had convinced Mozzie to bring by earlier that day. This was actually the first evening that Mozzie hadn’t joined them for dinner. Neal had only been back in the States for under two weeks now, and he was feeling a little overwhelmed. Life had been quiet in Paris, and he had missed New York so much. Missed Peter and Elizabeth and Mozzie and June so  _ damn _ much. But he was feeling a little smothered. 

He couldn’t blame any of them at all, like he said, he had missed them too. After twenty-three months of Neal being “dead” they were all reeling a little over Neal being back in New York. Being in their house. Sleeping on their couch. 

Neal would be lying if he said it wasn’t throwing him for a loop. Everything was happening so fast and Neal had hardly had a second to himself, Peter had even taken off work and Elle was working a lot from home. Neal was exhausted.

“You feeling alright Neal?” Elle asked, setting her wine glass down and looking at him expectantly. 

_ Expectantly.  _ They seemed to always be expecting something from him. As if being  _ alive  _ wasn’t enough already, he thought bitterly.

Neal bit back a sigh. He wasn’t being fair. “I’m just tired,” he assured her, giving a patented Caffrey smile. 

He had hardly slept a wink since being here. The past year and a half still weighing on him. He felt odd being in New York again. Like there were ghosts around every corner. Some days he thought he saw Matthew Keller around a corner or beside an icecream stand. 

Peter saw right through him. Peter always saw through the facade, knew when something was bothering Neal. He stood from the table, taking all three of their plates. He dumped them in the sink before grabbing two beers from the fridge. “C’mon, why don’t you come out back with me?” 

Neal frowned and indicated to his wine glass. “I’ve still got half a glass.”

Peter just held out the beer to him, tilting his head towards the backdoor.

Neal sighed but relented, taking the beer all the same. “Thank you for dinner Elizabeth, it was lovely.”

Elle beamed, “you’re very welcome sweetie.” She stood and kissed him on the cheek, “I’m going to go check on little Neal,” she said with a gentle pat on his arm.

Neal reluctantly followed Peter out to the back patio, Satchmo happily following them. Neal watched the dog throw himself down at Peter’s feet with a huff before he took the chair beside Peter’s himself. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Peter content to drink his beer and listen to the sounds of passing cars for a beat. But Neal was tense. They had all been gentle with him, not asking too many questions or prying too deeply. For the most part they were just happy to have him back, and Neal was happy to be back. The rest didn’t matter. But Neal felt an interrogation coming now.

After five minutes had passed and it didn’t seem as if Peter was going to prompt a conversation, Neal couldn’t handle it any longer. So he skipped the smalltalk and hit the nail on the head instead. “Mozzie told me.”

Peter watched him carefully.

“About Keller,” he explained. Looking anywhere but at Peter. 

Realization dawned on Peter’s face and he opened his mouth to say something but Neal didn’t let him.

“You don’t have to say anything. I don’t blame you for anything. It’s- what he did to you and Elle, I can’t blame you.” He shrugged. “I just didn’t know is all.” Neal swallowed thickly.  _ He didn’t know Matthew was dead. _

“Neal-”

“Really, Peter, it’s okay. You had to, didn’t you?” Neal closed his eyes against the sting of tears threatening to spill over. He  _ would not _ cry over Matthew Keller. When he spoke again his voice cracked, “didn’t you? Please, just, tell me you had no choice.”

“He had a hostage,” Peter said carefully. “He was either going to shoot her or me. I reacted on instinct. And I didn’t know where you were or if you were even alive, Neal.”

There was nothing either of them could think to say. Neal had only ever told Peter enough about Keller for Peter to know they were intimate once, in a past life. And that’s what all this was for Neal, another past life. He felt sticky, stepping into an old skin. He had thought he had shed Neal Caffrey.

“I felt like an idiot,” Neal spoke softly and Peter had to strain to hear his voice over the sounds of the city. “After everything, I still wanted to believe him. I- I  _ wanted…”  _ He released a shaky sigh and covered his mouth with a hand. It was obvious to Peter that he didn’t want to talk about it, but he thought he was too scared to interrupt. He’d never opened up about his past with Keller, not really. And it seemed he needed to get this off his chest now or never. 

Neal sat back in the lawnchair, thumbing the label of the beer, giving the bottle all his focus. He licked his lips thoughtfully before speaking again. “I only wanted for it to be like it used to, you know? I thought if you and Elle were leaving, then he and I might as well…” he shook his head and took a sip of the beer. “It was stupid. I got wrapped up in it, I got carried away. With everything that was going on with the Panthers, I just forgot.” He shrugged and took another sip. 

“Sounds so stupid. How could I forget everything that he had done?” He was getting frustrated but he didn’t much seem to care. “He kidnapped Elle. He- he could have killed you. He’s a murderer. He’s a- he’s…”

“You loved him.”

Neal laughed. It was a sharp and unpleasant sound. Self-deprecating and hurtful.

“You’re a romantic, Neal. And Keller,” Peter shook his head, “he was a big part of your past. It’s not that unusual that you would fall back to him.”

Neal shook his head. “What’s that say about me?”

“That you see the best in people.”

Neal could laugh at that. “I just wanted him back.” Neal swiped a hand across his cheek and sunk down in his chair, hunching in on himself protectively. He didn’t want Peter to hate him over this. And how could he not? Keller was a murderer, and he had personally come after both Peter and Elizabeth. And here Neal was  _ crying  _ over him. “It’s better this way. Now Elizabeth doesn’t have to worry.”

_ “Neal,” _ Peter sighed. That wasn’t fair. 

“He didn’t used to be like that, you know?” Neal began with inflection, suddenly facing Peter head on. “He was a good man, once.”   


“Life wasn’t easy on him.”

“That’s no excuse,” he said bitterly.

Peter scoffed, “no it’s not.” He took a sip of his beer.

“I’ve watched him change into an entirely different person.”

“It’s not unreasonable,” Peter began,” that you would think that the man you once knew was still in there. Especially with how closely you were working when with the Panthers. He blinded you Neal. Happens to the best of us. I don’t fault you for that.”

“When we scammed the Panthers, I knew he wouldn’t go with me. I  _ knew  _ he would try to pull one over on me and I had planned for that, that’s why my whole-”

“-faking your death-”

“-plan worked. I had  _ hoped _ though. I had really hoped that he would change his mind. All the same, it wasn’t surprising he did what he did.”

“Love makes a fool of us all.”

Neal chuckled softly, “ It is better to love wisely, no doubt: but to love foolishly is better than not to be able to love at all?”

Peter blinked. “Robert Frost?”

“William Thackeray.”

“Ah,” Peter took a another drag of his beer. 

“Thank you Peter,” Neal said. And he meant it. He hadn’t talked to anyone about well, anything that was on his mind since coming home. 

Peter just smiled and rose from the lawnchair, offering Neal a hand which he happily took, allowing the older man to pull him to his feet. Neal let Peter pull him into a tight hug, holding him tightly. Neal just pat Peter on the back for a moment before wrapping his own arms tightly around him. It felt good to be wanted. 

“Why don’t you get some sleep? You look beat.”

Neal chuckled. “I’m exhausted,” he admitted. “Haven’t really been sleeping. It’s hard, being back, you know?” He shrugged. “Not used to it yet.” He sucked on his teeth and looked inside through the window, Elle was on the couch, their son fast asleep in her arms. 

Peter gripped Neal by the shoulder briefly before releasing him and going back inside. Neal followed him through the door, setting his practically full beer in the kitchen sink. When he rounded the corner, Peter was kissing Elle on the forehead and saying to Elle,”... let him get some sleep.” 

She nodded and stood, cradling little Neal closer to her chest. He was just over a year old and  _ so small.  _ It was crazy, Neal thought. 

“You do look tired,” Elle said with a frown. “Sleep well, sweetie.” She kissed him on the brow and shuffled little Neal in her arms. “See you in the morning.”

“Goodnight Elizabeth. Night Peter.”

“Goodnight buddy.” Peter shut off the lights as he went, leaving the room to drown Neal in its inky darkness. The only light being a dim glow coming from the kitchen appliances. 

Neal sighed and dug out a pair of pajama pants from his duffle, slipping out of his trousers and pulling those on quickly in the dark before throwing himself down on the couch. It was these nights that he missed his guest room, now baby Neal’s bedroom. It wasn’t so bad though, his feet hardly hung over the ledge. 

He felt better since talking to Peter. He hadn’t expected to, but he really did. Even if he hadn’t said much really about all that was bothering him, it felt good to tell somebody something. The rest didn’t need saying. It was history. What difference did it make now? Matthew was gone, but Mozzie and Peter and Elizabeth were very much  _ still here.  _ And they were what mattered. They loved him, they were his family. He didn’t need Keller any more than Keller had needed him.

Neal shimmied down into the sofa to get comfortable, resituating the pillow behind his head. Maybe stepping back into Neal Caffrey was okay. He just hoped he wouldn’t ever have to shed this skin again. He thought it fit quite well, really. Comfortable.

He closed his eyes, letting himself drift. He was nearly asleep when there was a loud whine at the back door and he remembered they had left the dog outside.

**Author's Note:**

> *continues to be emotional over Keller's death nearly a year after the show ended*
> 
> comments?
> 
> concerns?
> 
> requests?


End file.
